Solitude

 I’ve been married twice, once at the age of 18 and then it took a long 15 years later that I married again. So many years of strength and barriers built up inside with years of convincing myself it was ok to be alone, I’m just not meant to have anyone special because my gifts and purpose require too much from me and the fact that I have just been so confined to myself, no girlfriends no guy friends even my kids have moved away and have their own life. I had determined that I was set in my ways I couldn’t be with anyone because I love my quiet time, I love my space and I don’t need extra worry and a catering job. So, I developed a numbness to emotion of any kind, when I should be sad or concerned when I should be flattered or even the right reaction when I was complimented that’s an awkward moment. I mean I was numb. Sure, I cared and heard and was thoughtful but at no point did I ever let those things resonate as an energy within me as a great way to feel or a bad way to feel I just didn’t have any other thought about it more than a few seconds at that time.

What do you think happens with all that with me directly? Well, I promise it’s not what you think! I went from rap and rock and Marylin Manson one day literally to country love songs the next day feeling such a desire a need a want to just be wanted to have to comprise life with to share my space and make quiet time a growing together time. An urge of impatience and anxiety that I won’t ever get to experience that my manifestation was set due to what cards I played previously and accepted. That night I prayed to let me share and cater and take on problems, let me compromise my whole lifestyle for me to have just that one good man not perfect and not all put together but one that is honest and wouldn’t allow anyone to talk down to me and calls occasionally because he missed me. I have never once in my life experienced that at any level, I was not Christian enough for my first husband I was way too much for my mother I was not as expected for my father all the in-between I was as needed and discarded and my second husband I was whatever schizophrenia measures he was on that day. Never was being me my real self ever enough for anyone to be in awe of me. Well, this is what happens; eventually that bottle gets full and again those emotions that you thought were numb and passed on by you were still there gaining strength and gaining in the energy it was about to release through your entire mind, body, and soul and then it says here it is deal with it.

So, this is how this week has been just for me, I’m listening to music that I haven’t listened to in 20 years love songs to be exact, I’m drooling over a man I don’t know, I haven’t seen and all I do know is he has a white truck. I’m desiring something I may never know or have at my reach and it’s overwhelming, it’s depressing, it’s exciting, it’s a hundred and two emotions at one time and Wow it’s great if the fabrication in my mind was a result of a real reality. But my odds are my past and my results are the same. It is the trials of life lessons that when you continue to weaken your morals and cater to anything that says “What’s up” to you, is then where it becomes a tangible web and a question of which life lesson do you start with and how and on and on because you kept yourself to a minimal existence to you and everyone else. Then over analysis leads to over-exaggeration that then is a false reality, a memory loss. But, hey you gained an illusional memory, right? Questions of what you deserve become an issue and you try to hold on to clutches like victimology and your struggled life, or you gain in anger and rage and blame and you’ll hold onto it never your fault all the while that illusion of a now overactive imagination has given you knew to hand new traits and that rarely will end well. I have gone through all of that and still find myself at fault but that is the key, If you desire love if you want friends if you want respect then it isn’t what you do for everyone else, but when you care for yourself when you have stripped yourself to the core and truly said what a bitch I was how dare I say I was A Christian when I judged like that how did I blame when I made that choice when you acknowledge yourself and you say it’s ok you begin to heal you develop a love and that attracts love when your honest to yourself that attracts honesty in your life when you notice someone needing some clothes and you give with no remark or expectation then the lord will come to you and when you relax and forgive I believe the world can be handed to you. I have seen miracles in my self-development and for yourself and advice for you is not what I have done but what I’m here to help you do in a  way that is right for you. Just keep striving for a better us every day no matter the outcome of today or forever.

Here are some key takeaways on this, No matter if you stay to yourself, if you act as if you’re the grandest of diamonds, if you pretend that emotions will go away over time, that your wrong human nature I’m sorry is clingy rather we know it or not or admit it or not rather we try to or not it will and does cling on to every bit of energy it can and either we do deal with it in whatever works in your life then even the most precious of them will come back full force and even not so nice.  The question is why we do not even allow love in our life to allow happiness, but the first bad thing that comes along boy we talk about that for many years to come and we keep it alive and active so then we have ourselves developed a habitual behavior to where we then without trying to attract nothing more than what we feed. That's why I haven’t found love and since I hadn’t, I thought what was right was to just not allow it, and that led to dead-end relationships over the past 25 years. Same mistake, same pattern same treatment just different men.

 

--Brooke Smith—